12.20.02
to be so quiet and withdrawn. what makes a person go for so long. very weak yet so strong. mind addicted, lasting long. stuck in a world of smokers. stories of lung cancer, no one cares. liquid users only for a short period of time. chain smokers throw away empty pack after pack. what a waste of money. i'd like those camel lights, here's some money for me to die. who cares! i'd rather live a shorter life. i love my scratchy voice and stained teeth. i'm not ready to quit yet. ohh, but you were ready once you started. i wonder how much different a person feels with black lungs. this is my last cigarette, well this is my hope for you. you started out by hiding, sitting on your roof at nite. being discreet in your chair. the one thing you make out to be worth it.
1.12.03
you're just a mere tool of everyone's imagination. turn away and when you come back, i'll be done with whatever it was that left me uncomfortable. think of all the things we avoid that could be another step for you, only to be comfortable. you like to be left alone to create a vast living area. look, it's just what you did and there's no denying it. my agenda right now is to get off the phone with you and study. but, "i don't want to." well, if you want to avoid the feelings of uneasyness, then do all of the things that you say you, "don't want to do." the picture frame of both of you are standing upright. it's unusual. but i adore it. stop screaming. drop all of what you've got. i want to rain for millions of years and let it form an ocean.
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we love to talk about things that won't happen. everyone does, in general. unless we don't give a shit about anything or anyone else. which most don't, it just won't happen. i don't want to say never. complused with counting down numbers. that's me. it's my job. a chore. these arrows are pointing in all directions, and basically i'm just trying to take up the clock with nonsense. sometimes i wish i was older, sometimes younger. when you're older, you're smarter and when you were younger, you were smarter. being in this middle is no fun. scratching off your skin won't take you somwhere else. you'll just grow back into a place of solitude. all of the things you have can be used. you can just sit there and wonder how they can be used? put it to use... just like the ocean.
1.14.03
so the news hit us. all at the same time. upset and can barely do a thing about it. mother is so stubborn and selfish at times. i wanna write so small. so small. don't you? i do. you belong here. why wouldn't you? my sheets were so dirty. they're taking a little spin. they'll come back and be so clean. so me. i know nothing of the war days. then again, these are new war days. drafting and all. so curvy and lengthy. up and down. up and down. long then, longer. short. full service. full time. leave your home. sounds good to me. so red and fancy. so blue and down. colors misinterpret. pivotal. pointing down. your face is a masterpeice. just like mine is forgotten. to a place of unknown creatures. so far and not close. laying on a small mattress. it's so empty. the flyer on the ceiling looks so familiar, so common. like everyone else has it. oh, they do. i remember. the cookies were so good! but you didn't even know what i put in them. you told me. my hands are full of chemicals now. they ache from pulling apart all the heavy sheets. what room we've got! they would just not stop making all that tumult. i need to make time. who thinks that much? i can tell you something, i do. i sure do. i ripped them all apart unknowingly, trying to find the problem. no solution. mind you, i didn't find one. ten after the other. soaked to the last string. i don't understand machinery. delete comment. would you like to delete your comment? yes, delete it. comment deleted. how goddamn repetitive. i rub and black seeps onto my fingers. and the ink from the words just run on and on. the blanket won't be warm enough for this cold january nite. i'm used to four! those damn cold floors, that's why taking a shower is so difficult in the morning. oh it clicks and clicks again, i hope there's no getting up this time. i'm too busy gettng situated for the upcoming sleep and my last minute knock-in's. otherwise known as the things i realize before i pass out. this would not be the right thing to read after a suicide. not too reassuring. change of tone. the older are really younger and the younger are just young. another reminder for your future life. my back itches. is someone telling a lie about you? oh, that's your hand you've got there? sorry that i've mistaken it. truly. what a waste of a sitting area. covered in mostly hassles and a bitter sweet ending to your already sad nonexistant life. what a lowsy topic. sick of writing the wrong way. especially by hand. i wonder if that hit the other page? moving is going to change a lot. that's why my dreams will come true. i do believe yours will, too. the train leaves me in an uncomfortable position. it's too noisy and holds things that must people don't understand. my eyes hurt. i need my head to lay down. oh but i'm drowsy now...so it's sleep time.
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