Wednesday, March 30, 2011

incredible day

today we had a day off together; we woke up at 7am but laid in bed until 10. we searched the internet on places to stay in paris for hours, showered, and headed out to a new cafe called kava kava kava. it's setup in a courtyard just about a 10 minute walk from us. we spent 3 hours outside having some coffee...then some tea. after, we checked out a cute vintage shop, but as usual i held back and didn't buy anything, cause well... i'd rather have money to spend on experience than on clothes. it takes a little will power, but i haven't bought anything "materialistic" since last year. kinda proud. not that i'm a shopaholic to begin with... my shoes don't last long here with all the walking on cobblestone... and i constantly want to buy new ones, but i don't.


afterward we dropped by our local grocery store, tesco, and picked up some fruits and vegetables to throw into a dinner of leftovers from lastnite. we made an organic chicken roast with potatoes. tonite we will soon make a stir fry with the leftovers (potatoes, and we'll shred the chicken,) and add zuchinni, broccoli, onions, peppers, and scallions. mmm....


we dropped these groceries off at home and soon headed BACK out to sit along the river with some wine in hand. we sat and talked for a couple of hours about the   f-u-t-u-r-e.


where to go? what to do? where to stay when we get home. we just want the cheapest option possible. don't we all? well, we both have our old jobs to go back to, as i've said before. but that's all we know, for now.


californica
washington state
oregon
colorado.


hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. no idea. just wanna move on. not backwards. catch my drift?

personal rant

i just want to smell like amber sambac everyday. i want the weather to be 65 degrees and sunny. i want to drink yerba mate out of a gourd whenever i feel like it. i want to go on a paddle boat on the river and eat cheese while my boyfriend paddles for me. i want to not gain weight from all the bread i eat. i'd like to find a girl that is just like me and we can call eachother up whenever we need some time to talk and feel at ease about life&the world. 


there's more. but that's good enough for today.


<3

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

things stuff you.

on friday nite we said our goodbyes to katelyn, whom i'm already missing a bit. we had a nice dinner with a great ambiance at radost fx. then we grabbed a beer and walked to the river and stood on the charles bridge just talking and taking the view in. it was nice sharing a drink outside instead of in a smoky pub for once. she is doing some major traveling with her boyfriend right now in austria, france, and germany. lucky gal!

on saturday we  had an unsuccessful trip to the farmers market(s). we headed over to the indoor one with paul & emily but 75% of it was shut down and what was left wasn't very intriguing. we trekked on to another outdoor one but got there 2 hours late.... better luck this saturday. we will not be so lazy and go earlier to hopefully catch all the delicious sýr(cheese) stands and whatnot.

what's special lately? the weather is great. anddddddd... duh duh nuh nuhhh....

we booked flights to paris in may! we've been thinking about some last trip ideas that we can take before our next 2 months is up in europe. paris it is. only for 3 days, but still. the tickets were on sale for $138 roundtrip. yup. booked that. we're working on hotels/hostels/couch surfing now. we want to stay in a hotel all of the nites just to be alone, but wouldn't mind saving some money if possible for 1 nite couch surfing. i've never done it, but we're searching a lot to see if it'll work out. i can't stop reading up about paris and wishing i knew french. i have 38 days to try and learn something! so excited for the bread, cheese, wine, and grass(ahem-parks.) still deciding on visiting my friend julien in nuremberg, but it all depends on if we can get their by carshare(on the cheap!) busses and trains are 100 euros, but we'd rather use that money in paris. so we'll see....

anyhow, really want to stop teaching. wish i could afford to stop working from now till the end of may! ha.

heres to the next 60 days in europe. i'm so welcoming florida back into my life, but i know after 5 days i'm going to be missing prague.

cheers!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

ze weather







yesterday and today were just gorgeous!... yesterday i sat in a park and just enjoyed the sun beating down on me while waiting to go to my next lesson. it felt so good to sit outside for as long as an hour without feeling the burn of cold weather.

walking home yesterday.

cute stencil i saw today!


today matt and i had an amazing "picnic" on the side of the river right across from our block. it was really crowded. everyone was out. kids, tourists, families... all holding beers and enjoying the weather. such a wonderful meal and time.

soft fresh wheat & white  baguette, salami, brie, cheddar, and a czech smoked cheese called kolibi paired with grapes, blackberries, and wine(a bottle one of matt's students gave to him!)


the sun was so bright and my legs got hot like that feeling you get when you're laying out on the beach! i didn't want to leave.

the paddle boat businesses are back out and running. apparently the river wasn't high enough so they've been preparing by filling it up from the main systems for spring.

my gorgeous man with our lovely ikea plastic cups filled with vino.

and myself.


the end.

Monday, March 21, 2011

movie reviews

winter's bone- i really loved this movie. the actress jennifer lawrence did an amazing job... how are 21 year olds so good at this? john hawkes starred as her uncle (who was in me and you and everyone we know...) he did an amazing job as well. highly recommended.

exit through the gift shop- crazy. this was sooo sweet to see street art being created. i feel like a lot of these artists(banksy) really make their mark everywhere... when i went to berlin all i saw was street art like his everywhere and i'm loving that this documentary focused in on some crazy "film maker" gone "artist" in a matter of months. andy warhol wannabe. i'm always noticing street art here in prague.
 prague

 prague

prague

 prague

 
berlin(on our "alternative tour" the guide talked a lot about banksy)

 berlin

 berlin

 berlin

berlin

berlin

berlin

berlin

berlin

berlin
 italy


the dilemma - vince vaughn is just a funny actor in my opinion. i was just in the mood to see a comedy and didn't really expect much of this, but it wasn't so bad, actually. queen latifah is crazy. and wynona ryder is annoying.

morning glory- harrison ford? check. haha, that's all you need, right? and rachel mcadams is supah cute.

the best and the brightest- i'm not too sure why i downloaded this in the first place. it seemed like an R rated disney movie. so strange, lots of profanity, and overall questionable. amy sedaris (strangers with candy) was in it. hmmm... don't know what else to say.

babel- i've seen this twice now, and it is fantastical. yes, do see it. stars brad pitt, cate blanchett, and gael garcia bernal.

on deck: london blvd, 4 months/3 weeks/2 days, l'enfant, no strings attached...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Friday, March 18, 2011

fridays.


so it is official, my mom is coming to visit during our last week here in may. i am beyond excited. i've already started a list of about 20 things i want to show her... monuments, parks, scenery, views, cafes, restaurants... ah, i wish she could be here tomorrow! this is just the best news ever.

anyway, i had 7 boys in my class today. nothing to say. 

video


------
cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese.

----

anyhow, our friend katelyn will be leaving dear prague in a week to go travel more and then is moving back to the states. we have been seeing a lot of her lately to make up for a bit of lost time, but it's been real, yo. :) tonite we get to finally see her flat while enjoying some wine and snacks. then tomorrow we may go visit karlovy vary, a small spa town in the czech republic 2 hrs away. hopefully the weather will be ok, even though today it was snowing(whyyyyy?) 

eggplant is a fruit


the eggplant parmesan i made the other day turned out so good. i didn't even have any fresh herbs or parmesan.... oh wait, could i even call it parmesan then? i guess instead i have to call it eggplant mozzarella. haha...

so first thing i did was washed and cut 2 eggplants (into circles) and 'sweat' them out by salting both sides and letting the pieces sit in a colander to drain for a couple hours before. they really let out a ton of liquid.... washed em, patted them dry. then i did the frying process... floured, egged, and breadcrumbed. put a little olive oil in a pan and fried both sides till browned. sauteed up some shallots and garlic. got out a baking dish... put a layer of eggplant, tomato sauce, the shallots/garlic, shredded mozzarella cheese, more eggplant, more sauce, more cheese and breadcrumbs on top. baked in the oven for about 25 minutes, then added fresh mozzarella on top and cooked till it bubbled on top. it tasted amazing... even if i didn't put the right ingredients in it.

i took advice from not the best sounding recipe (for the basics- like how to sweat the eggplant, order of ingredients in the dish, times/temperature, etc), if you're interested.

i will be making this again next week. it makes mean leftovers. i'll put in fresh herbs (like basil) next time, and actually get some delicious fresh parmesan from the market nearby.. and maybe i'll cut the eggplant different next time, lengthways and peel them to see if it makes much of a difference.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

grey oceans

one of my favorite songs from cocorosie's newest album- grey oceans. 


lemonade

It was Cinco de Mayo

Pillow case on his head 
No more breathing time 
The ambulance sped
Sped 'round every corner 
Calling out his name

Shot a rabbit from the back seat window
Sat and watched the summer corn grow
Ate ice cream in a dessert dream
And got lost in father's singing
Too hot inside
Too hot outside
Lazy days when I said lets go for a ride
We'd sail on Spirit Lake
Me my pappy and his lemonade

Tim and Tina were my parents names
They got engaged
They were inflamed
Seduced by the luck of butterflies
How they glimmer how they shimmer
Those butterflies

We seven kids
We almost died
Nearly put to death
By lightening strikes
Instead there was hot pink
Flashes in the sky
We climbed the rocks in snow and rain
In search of magic powers
To heal our mother's pain

Shot a rabbit from the back seat window
Sat and watched the summer corn grow
Ate ice cream in a dessert dream
And got lost in father's singing
Too hot inside
Too hot outside
Lazy days when I said lets go for a ride
We'd sail on Spirit Lake
Me my pappy and his lemonade

Shot a rabbit from the back seat window
Sat and watched the summer corn grow
Ate ice cream in a dessert dream
And got lost in father's singing
Too hot inside
Too hot outside
Lazy days when I said lets go for a ride
We'd sail on Spirit Lake
Me my pappy and his lemonade

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

i'm not living in the real world.



this week is crazy, and by crazy i mean nothing is going on(as far as work goes). i was off monday due to the children being in the mountains "on holiday". today i went to my lesson at the primary school and noticed there were no children anywhere and a construction man speaking to me in czech without giving me a chance to say i don't know czech. guess someone should have told me the kids at this school are on holiday as well? i called the director of my agency who was actually supposed to observe my class today and she admitted she was in the wrong by not telling me the school is closed for the entire week. i get paid cause of her mistake. good. well my wednesday, and thursday lessons are all on holiday as well... so i am only working on friday for 4 hours. i was also scheduled to massage mariota today, but she texted me that she wanted to postpone it to tomorrow because the weather was sunny and gorgeous, which i couldn't deny. 



so there went my "plans" for the day. i decided to buy some delicious treats at the greek market on my way home so matt and i could make a yummy lunch... feta, cucumber, tomato, and tatziki dip on the best fresh bread they sold. i also got some oregano marinated olives and hummus. mmm... can't get enough. while having lunch, we finished the 2nd season of party down... sigh. there are so many good series out there.

now the boys are out playing bball while i have my "alone" time. hehe. blogging.

tonite for dinner we're going to attempt to make eggplant parmesan. i've never made it before, so i hope it turns out okay.


it seems i'll blog about anything these days, if you haven't noticed yet. :) i'm trying to build this thing and have it grow and i really hope people are actually following. let me know if you want to hear more(or less) about something in particular.

(i'm sure i'll keep on posting a lot this week since i'm off work... so stay tuned.)

the king is dead

the decemberists- their newest album is so good. i remember seeing them live in baltimore and what a great show it was... 

3 free downloads from fleet foxes singer

Robin Pecknold: "I'm Losing Myself (Ft. Ed Droste).mp3"
Robin Pecknold: "Derwentwater Stones"
Robin Pecknold: "Where Is My Wild Rose"

(from here)

Monday, March 14, 2011

big love; spoiler alert

just watched big love and it's insaneeeee. the last and final episode of the whole series is next week and i can't even imagine how it will end. i don't want it to!


mom post

baltimore, maryland on top of federal hill, 2007.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOMMY!!!! and to my SISTER, MANI, YESTERDAY! i called my mom today and she told me she is making it a top priority to come visit us in prague in may right before we return home!!! i cannot stress enough how thrilled i am. i hope and pray this really does happen because i will have so much more to look forward to now.

i have the biggest smile on my face right now!

kitty photoshoots

i can't wait to do this again, but i know kisa can.
i will take 75 million more till she claws my face off.
<3
kisa! only 75 days to go. i miss you more than you know.

braids

i need longer hair. 

thrilling

"behind every song there's always an emotion. we don't know why but maybe that's why we love music. so we've created a way to suggest songs that follow your feelings: stereomood is the emotional internet radio, providing music that best suits your mood and your activitieshow do i feel? what am i doing now?"

(thanks for sharing katelyn!)

Sunday, March 13, 2011

the olive family.

Oleaceae
11.18.03
iridescent eyes staring in and out of you
incense burning on cut-out wood

always building up fantasy destinations
compiled high, filled with jasmine sambac
a touch of yellow on the pit of my neck

smelling behind my ears like
tomorrow will never take its peak

freshly lime green paint rolled onto masonite
staying after, boosting together, nailing shut
don't know if there's a back or front

shaking cold with blankets
wishing you could climb out to be untold

fire escape on each door
smile while dialing the last voice
gray sweaters, a sign of winter solace

call on-forth to the sky above the ocean front
laying on quilts that lasted 100 years

contoured into black and white
a cats' sight


mention that you despise
a seen breath of air
moving down
smoking, shaking, staring...

Saturday, March 12, 2011

shootin' some bball outside the school

what do you do when you've had a really cold winter and today it was 55 degrees and sunny you ask?

basketball. we went and bought a ball and found a court and played. it was so fun!


the beautiful view

could be exposing.

to enjoy watching 'someone' smiling is almost as pretty as their laugh. to get bigger, to get smaller. it's just another change. she finished the so-called 'greatest stuff on earth', but i don't see what's so great about it. i can tell. nine crime levels and no one ever sees it like i do. she'll wait for me after jail gets out. right by the fence she said. faced in the opposite direction. laid out like my bed. dreams that represent nightmares and the hot tea you sipped in your chair. too far apart while someone stares in your direction. always wishing you could tell him your thoughts. he could be easily as blue as the next. then you get the information you've always been waiting for. some watch. some imagine. running off the page. rubbing your thumbs together. whispering behind authority. using black ink that looks brown and the last minute you try waiting for me. i hate jumbled words and i love when you lean back and ignore. crumbled paper, folded laundry. if you want to hit me at any time of the nite, i am sure i can arrange that. bumping and dancing. this is nothing like the other. i hate the size. i hate the curves. who is that guy? nodding out. forgetting important recipes and curses. oh but you're great at that. you can't make up the past. no complaints. it gets you more in the long run. turned around to see your life is different now that loyalty has disappeared. only ten more minutes left. no missed calls at break. no vibrations or messages received. no cross outs. no drum beats. no love. no getting away.

-----
i find it scary when the television gets turned off. this is a walk down memory lane. put yourself in water. you won't dissolve. the oven is on 500 degrees. the kiln is on 5,000. think of the difference. i'd love to tell you how i want to go outside, but we're in here to sand. imagine the taste. 50 degrees outside. 35 in new york. new years is going to be small this year. resolution to two thousand three. two surprises have been said. i choose mine to be left unsaid. driven up to the north on xmas eve. really only to bring him something large. sanding it only to find the moisture being sucked onto the paper. they say mine will be best. mine won't get smooth. running in his dripping green coat. loud mouthed and proud. your pockets out. how is it to find eight holes in your body. quite the intake. dirt and germs find their way into the pores of her sweater. and the table is left with blue plastic covered boxes. three basic methods of construction. slip, score. do not answer the question. giving the hands unwrapped candy for being correct. name a type of balance. dab your face when you have ten minutes left of class. cut it out and it's permanent. silver wrapped is addicting. so are you. bodily functions out of their palms and accusations. flat. what is that. shortly medium and enormous. that explains your point of living. books weren't needed today. and your bag got damaged. i'm sorry. i'll give you my opinion of the discs and noises you made up. it won't be too high of you to stick around. you should run off like you used to into the bright eyed sky. making it up, disagreeing and arguing. i consent nonetheless. your skin is turning. i got two for saying organic is curvy. brown paper bags and that new car of yours. it's swirvy. spelling words wrong makes me feel dirty. if only he didn't die. ten times more funny. to end it on a good note. i really don't know. only eight more hours to get out of here. are you coming with me?

----
 you want to be something you're not. i'm sure not too close from the truth. to be blunt, my pictures suck. i want to be a photographer. could that work? world's worst picture-taker. atleast i'd be amused. it would all get crazy. they'd want my face all pretty for magazines but something like that is impossible if you know what i mean. i told you people want to be someone you're not. it's a lie when they say that anything is possible if you put your mind to it. what if i just passed away and someone put their mind on me being alive again. impossible! things like that are permanent. i might as well dedicate this to hate because right now all i want to say is why can't i be how i want to be at all times. it's impossible! i hate it when i ruin you. i hate how much i miss you. but i love, absolutely adore walking off the transporting rail to see you there. what a rush. i hate these huge gaps. and i hate how i feel like i have to start over. it's 'cause i'm chewing. i'm leaning. oh i forgot to mention, leaning towards a big mistake. the saver keeps turning black but OH how i love color. shades. whatever. OH no. closed and open and hey. it got changed to eight hundred and fourty. i have almost enough for what i urge you all to get when it comes the time. so hey, i'm about to go. want to be the first to drive all alone with me?

12.17.02
did you put five thirty in the bank? because i know it's late. today's the start of a new working week. we might go to the hospital. his appendix exploded. next time mine will explode and it'll be our excuse to see eachother again. when it was time to see him she told us we shouldn't go. he's on morphine. he wouldn't really know what we'd be saying. sent flowers. sent balloons. he will smile. it could happen to anyone. it may come out of nowhere. stomach aches hurt. imagine leaving college and the first three days you're barfing up unimaginable groundings. tubes stick out everywhere and you don't want to see the girl 'cause of embarassment. it's okay. i accepted. i hope he's better soon. you'll be there standing, twiddling your thumbs. that was an exact copy of his words. i love to overhear what you say. i love to remember. that's what amazing to me. i read his books(aaron's), well it seems like forever since i've picked one up. but that girl that got encouraged to not like me seems to know. she's got a thick book of his words. borrowed it for a minute, and i explain how he wrote me a little note. he visited florida. this hell. but still. why do we adore the famous. it's like that for all of us. it's a picture. a name. anything. i'm so excited for one hundred and twenty hours to be up. i love hating. i hate loving. both are negative and that's not me. i've been writing things i don't mean. the lights go on and off. fifteen minutes left on this cold day. dead hands. purple maybe but i say pink. the book case starts the whole room. and mr. b is always late. always behind. i don't think he gets the concept of the rules of what?

12.18.02
somebody knew it all about the palestinian children. lo sabia todo sobre los ninos palestinos. he said he forgot so i made sure to find out.(leif) finishing as one of the first makes me feel in place. one more left today. she wears so many bracelets on one arm(skull girl, roscoe, remember). why would someone feel the need to do that? when you turn old you will only have one arm. all crooked for you and i will have two. that woman standing up there. she's so nosy. can i read your letter? no. you may not. it's at home. i wouldn't let you read it anyway. come on. stay close. for me. he's all far away. wants me there. two thousand people need the restroom. who needs a bathroom escort anyway. who changes the rules around here. two people say two different things. why can't they just stick to the beginning notion. change isn't too great. no one accepts it well. he's tapping his left foot on the metal bar. i wonder what he's thinking as he finished guessing on the exam. so very impatient. it's obvious. i love how those two boys on my right side avoided and denied to others that they cheated off my scantron. they actually make me feel all confident and whatnot(lincoln). as one sips her coffee, the other disturbs the whole class. she's been gone too long. too long for here anyway. they did not follow through. you should've thought of that before. they deserve quiet before they finish. a little paper ball is all scrunched up sitting on the increasing hole of his desk. notice. all those with low self-esteem run away as well. as of ten. as sad. what's your main focus. you sat in there and didn't care so don't switch it all around when i know the truth. three plus ten. that's until i end up in my next level. easier than it should be. but we've got to prove. i'll do ok. grains of gray. ever walked to four fourty fifth? i haven't. will you please clean your area before leaving? it's kind of cold in here.


12.19.02

surprise surprise. we had to make a sculpture. what a school we've got. cardboard. wheat glue. so i had once again an awful nightmare. i woke up scared, with four more hours to go. someone famous on morhpine. they wouldn't stay still. once i walked away from the emergency table, the man fell right off. it looked as though he had fake skin. his whole back, from top to bottom, was stitched closed. there i go feeling as dirty as before. he tried to attack me. i don't know what i did wrong. it looked like his whole body was going to rip apart. the doctors were useless. they looked just as frightened as i did. awful. disgusting. i couldn't bear it. i tried running off but the man had a hold of my ankle. his fingernails were longer than they should have been. they were digging their way deep into my skin, scratching away my flesh. i bled, but it was different. his was dry. mine was raw, wet. i felt like screaming. i wanted to die right there. what was he doing to me? i wanted to leave. i was a real prisoner, just like him. how did he get here? what was going on? i didn't even know his name. atleast it was all in my sleep. 'cause i woke up and saw that it was five a.m. i didn't let myself fall asleep right away. i knew if i did, i'd be stuck in the same story as before. luckily it was over. wonderful skillful craftmanship. he said, 'it looks like a whole bunch of hands and feet.' nonobjective my ass. what a big difference in contrast! it must have the following, but you went off alone and did what felt right! it must be a minimum size of six inches but it sure didn't direct the eye around and through! seven more hanging up. better let them go. don't throw mine away. it's hanging on the wall. just like you told all the little others. "it's neat." you liar. no one even looked in the book. everyone is on the same page. we're all nervous. i'm shakey. this is nerve wrecking. nevermind. i don't care. the first three rows must be taken. so i'm done and you wanna know something? well i'm not telling you. world studies eat my brain alive. nothing will change that. shake your face with rosy cheeks and your red blotchy body. forcing herself onto every strong object she finds. let me tell you something. that is not the way to put yourself out there. but would you?

continuation

1.23.03
so black yet so classy. why must they dress to make me feel so inundate. well it's not about me. so the three of us laugh and talk. and he must keep himself straight for today. so there will be needles to take his place. he's nervous. i don't blame him. i wouldn't want a bunch of myriad needles inside of me. not to deep but very unsure. an insatiable feeling when it's over. no visible blood or anything. it won't be the same for him. it won't be that fake replete feeling he normally gets. things change so quick.
----
that explains the movement of my life. i like the last one even though it's not very easy to guess the outcome of it all. very small. with only the three of us. our blood is the same. and we'll make it easier. i love to show her the way. she laugh[t]s with me and i spelt that wrong. so i tell her and she laughs again. the time comes and i forget it all. oh well. we are two of a kind. the desks are all cluttered. i can't reserve my judgement in here. on to the next. everyone sits in here doing the same thing. anticipating the end. it's all the same. i walk out the front door, say i love you and i give her that grin that, then, right away, turns into the look of "fuck school. you know you pity me, mom." i seem to not fit in with these people. they lie and agree just to be discreet. i just cheat as well as pay attention which does me no good. she sneezes soo loud, so loud. and the boy above me yells so loud, but not as loud as her. people are so damn curious as to what i write. and he rushes to the girl he once used to kiss. little ridges annoy me. they are so usable, so lovely. this reminds me of the bench. scared as hell, now get away from me. "have you written lately?" they all ask and i pretend to be amazingly brilliant but extremely hesitant. oh and the book i'm reading teaches me more on one page than what i hear in class all year. paying attention really does me no good. i've never even heard of these formulas. who wants to be a chemist anyway?

no date,

she'll stay in tonite, pinching blood from the pit of her elbows.
she'll wipe the blood from her nose as she scrounges another as it flows.
it's a reoccuring dream in his head as she falls to the floor once again.
dead eyes that march into a separate world.
awakened by the light of a new day.
baffled and disturbed,
nothing to say,
nothing to stop her.
he's out working, saving for a new sprung life that he wants for the both of them.
she is not aware of this,
so the death quickly continues. repeating until the young woman appears to get weak.
he adores her. [no matter what]
she doesn't care.
he wants to give her a new life.
she wouldn't go if she knew of this.
he had no idea.
now she wanted nothing but love.
he thought that was future.
but presently, it was too late.

-----
i once thought of stealing that
its the only way to live
who throws out a fucking couch
you put it on the sidewalk
just so that someone will walk on by and
TAKE that double look and say
hey wait the fucking minute
THE fucking minute
i want it.
so you get it.
and you walk on by
with a smile
NOW.
now
and you walk on by
those paper canvas rolls
you once thought had no use
well you know what i could say next
but i'll leave it up to you.
----

your thumb looks like a nail
do you understand?
it makes perfect sense to fail.
you were my plan & now everything is bland
the knee you hold
you're looking up
feet all bold
the triangle placed in that cup
shapes on paper bunks
the carvings off the tree trunks
godly creatures
his baby's features
brought beauty here
and you my dear
don't believe in fear
religion is against me
and i know that asian guy
named chi fi li
he reminds me of life
and getting by
i once saw you and that knife
ready for your whole suicidal scam
and then bam
you said damn
what a waste
there's a girl named eve
up my sleeve
waiting for me to taste
her every word
she heard
ran to you with a smokey bong
and you said
i've loved you all along.
----

found writings from the past. quite time consuming.

12.20.02
to be so quiet and withdrawn. what makes a person go for so long. very weak yet so strong. mind addicted, lasting long. stuck in a world of smokers. stories of lung cancer, no one cares. liquid users only for a short period of time. chain smokers throw away empty pack after pack. what a waste of money. i'd like those camel lights, here's some money for me to die. who cares! i'd rather live a shorter life. i love my scratchy voice and stained teeth. i'm not ready to quit yet. ohh, but you were ready once you started. i wonder how much different a person feels with black lungs. this is my last cigarette, well this is my hope for you. you started out by hiding, sitting on your roof at nite. being discreet in your chair. the one thing you make out to be worth it.

1.12.03
you're just a mere tool of everyone's imagination. turn away and when you come back, i'll be done with whatever it was that left me uncomfortable. think of all the things we avoid that could be another step for you, only to be comfortable. you like to be left alone to create a vast living area. look, it's just what you did and there's no denying it. my agenda right now is to get off the phone with you and study. but, "i don't want to." well, if you want to avoid the feelings of uneasyness, then do all of the things that you say you, "don't want to do." the picture frame of both of you are standing upright. it's unusual. but i adore it. stop screaming. drop all of what you've got. i want to rain for millions of years and let it form an ocean.
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we love to talk about things that won't happen. everyone does, in general. unless we don't give a shit about anything or anyone else. which most don't, it just won't happen. i don't want to say never. complused with counting down numbers. that's me. it's my job. a chore. these arrows are pointing in all directions, and basically i'm just trying to take up the clock with nonsense. sometimes i wish i was older, sometimes younger. when you're older, you're smarter and when you were younger, you were smarter. being in this middle is no fun. scratching off your skin won't take you somwhere else. you'll just grow back into a place of solitude. all of the things you have can be used. you can just sit there and wonder how they can be used? put it to use... just like the ocean.


1.14.03
so the news hit us. all at the same time. upset and can barely do a thing about it. mother is so stubborn and selfish at times. i wanna write so small. so small. don't you? i do. you belong here. why wouldn't you? my sheets were so dirty. they're taking a little spin. they'll come back and be so clean. so me. i know nothing of the war days. then again, these are new war days. drafting and all. so curvy and lengthy. up and down. up and down. long then, longer. short. full service. full time. leave your home. sounds good to me. so red and fancy. so blue and down. colors misinterpret. pivotal. pointing down. your face is a masterpeice. just like mine is forgotten. to a place of unknown creatures. so far and not close. laying on a small mattress. it's so empty. the flyer on the ceiling looks so familiar, so common. like everyone else has it. oh, they do. i remember. the cookies were so good! but you didn't even know what i put in them. you told me. my hands are full of chemicals now. they ache from pulling apart all the heavy sheets. what room we've got! they would just not stop making all that tumult. i need to make time. who thinks that much? i can tell you something, i do. i sure do. i ripped them all apart unknowingly, trying to find the problem. no solution. mind you, i didn't find one. ten after the other. soaked to the last string. i don't understand machinery. delete comment. would you like to delete your comment? yes, delete it. comment deleted. how goddamn repetitive. i rub and black seeps onto my fingers. and the ink from the words just run on and on. the blanket won't be warm enough for this cold january nite. i'm used to four! those damn cold floors, that's why taking a shower is so difficult in the morning. oh it clicks and clicks again, i hope there's no getting up this time. i'm too busy gettng situated for the upcoming sleep and my last minute knock-in's. otherwise known as the things i realize before i pass out. this would not be the right thing to read after a suicide. not too reassuring. change of tone. the older are really younger and the younger are just young. another reminder for your future life. my back itches. is someone telling a lie about you? oh, that's your hand you've got there? sorry that i've mistaken it. truly. what a waste of a sitting area. covered in mostly hassles and a bitter sweet ending to your already sad nonexistant life. what a lowsy topic. sick of writing the wrong way. especially by hand. i wonder if that hit the other page? moving is going to change a lot. that's why my dreams will come true. i do believe yours will, too. the train leaves me in an uncomfortable position. it's too noisy and holds things that must people don't understand. my eyes hurt. i need my head to lay down. oh but i'm drowsy now...so it's sleep time.