to enjoy watching 'someone' smiling is almost as pretty as their laugh. to get bigger, to get smaller. it's just another change. she finished the so-called 'greatest stuff on earth', but i don't see what's so great about it. i can tell. nine crime levels and no one ever sees it like i do. she'll wait for me after jail gets out. right by the fence she said. faced in the opposite direction. laid out like my bed. dreams that represent nightmares and the hot tea you sipped in your chair. too far apart while someone stares in your direction. always wishing you could tell him your thoughts. he could be easily as blue as the next. then you get the information you've always been waiting for. some watch. some imagine. running off the page. rubbing your thumbs together. whispering behind authority. using black ink that looks brown and the last minute you try waiting for me. i hate jumbled words and i love when you lean back and ignore. crumbled paper, folded laundry. if you want to hit me at any time of the nite, i am sure i can arrange that. bumping and dancing. this is nothing like the other. i hate the size. i hate the curves. who is that guy? nodding out. forgetting important recipes and curses. oh but you're great at that. you can't make up the past. no complaints. it gets you more in the long run. turned around to see your life is different now that loyalty has disappeared. only ten more minutes left. no missed calls at break. no vibrations or messages received. no cross outs. no drum beats. no love. no getting away.
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i find it scary when the television gets turned off. this is a walk down memory lane. put yourself in water. you won't dissolve. the oven is on 500 degrees. the kiln is on 5,000. think of the difference. i'd love to tell you how i want to go outside, but we're in here to sand. imagine the taste. 50 degrees outside. 35 in new york. new years is going to be small this year. resolution to two thousand three. two surprises have been said. i choose mine to be left unsaid. driven up to the north on xmas eve. really only to bring him something large. sanding it only to find the moisture being sucked onto the paper. they say mine will be best. mine won't get smooth. running in his dripping green coat. loud mouthed and proud. your pockets out. how is it to find eight holes in your body. quite the intake. dirt and germs find their way into the pores of her sweater. and the table is left with blue plastic covered boxes. three basic methods of construction. slip, score. do not answer the question. giving the hands unwrapped candy for being correct. name a type of balance. dab your face when you have ten minutes left of class. cut it out and it's permanent. silver wrapped is addicting. so are you. bodily functions out of their palms and accusations. flat. what is that. shortly medium and enormous. that explains your point of living. books weren't needed today. and your bag got damaged. i'm sorry. i'll give you my opinion of the discs and noises you made up. it won't be too high of you to stick around. you should run off like you used to into the bright eyed sky. making it up, disagreeing and arguing. i consent nonetheless. your skin is turning. i got two for saying organic is curvy. brown paper bags and that new car of yours. it's swirvy. spelling words wrong makes me feel dirty. if only he didn't die. ten times more funny. to end it on a good note. i really don't know. only eight more hours to get out of here. are you coming with me?
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12.17.02
did you put five thirty in the bank? because i know it's late. today's the start of a new working week. we might go to the hospital. his appendix exploded. next time mine will explode and it'll be our excuse to see eachother again. when it was time to see him she told us we shouldn't go. he's on morphine. he wouldn't really know what we'd be saying. sent flowers. sent balloons. he will smile. it could happen to anyone. it may come out of nowhere. stomach aches hurt. imagine leaving college and the first three days you're barfing up unimaginable groundings. tubes stick out everywhere and you don't want to see the girl 'cause of embarassment. it's okay. i accepted. i hope he's better soon. you'll be there standing, twiddling your thumbs. that was an exact copy of his words. i love to overhear what you say. i love to remember. that's what amazing to me. i read his books(aaron's), well it seems like forever since i've picked one up. but that girl that got encouraged to not like me seems to know. she's got a thick book of his words. borrowed it for a minute, and i explain how he wrote me a little note. he visited florida. this hell. but still. why do we adore the famous. it's like that for all of us. it's a picture. a name. anything. i'm so excited for one hundred and twenty hours to be up. i love hating. i hate loving. both are negative and that's not me. i've been writing things i don't mean. the lights go on and off. fifteen minutes left on this cold day. dead hands. purple maybe but i say pink. the book case starts the whole room. and mr. b is always late. always behind. i don't think he gets the concept of the rules of what?
12.18.02
somebody knew it all about the palestinian children. lo sabia todo sobre los ninos palestinos. he said he forgot so i made sure to find out.(leif) finishing as one of the first makes me feel in place. one more left today. she wears so many bracelets on one arm(skull girl, roscoe, remember). why would someone feel the need to do that? when you turn old you will only have one arm. all crooked for you and i will have two. that woman standing up there. she's so nosy. can i read your letter? no. you may not. it's at home. i wouldn't let you read it anyway. come on. stay close. for me. he's all far away. wants me there. two thousand people need the restroom. who needs a bathroom escort anyway. who changes the rules around here. two people say two different things. why can't they just stick to the beginning notion. change isn't too great. no one accepts it well. he's tapping his left foot on the metal bar. i wonder what he's thinking as he finished guessing on the exam. so very impatient. it's obvious. i love how those two boys on my right side avoided and denied to others that they cheated off my scantron. they actually make me feel all confident and whatnot(lincoln). as one sips her coffee, the other disturbs the whole class. she's been gone too long. too long for here anyway. they did not follow through. you should've thought of that before. they deserve quiet before they finish. a little paper ball is all scrunched up sitting on the increasing hole of his desk. notice. all those with low self-esteem run away as well. as of ten. as sad. what's your main focus. you sat in there and didn't care so don't switch it all around when i know the truth. three plus ten. that's until i end up in my next level. easier than it should be. but we've got to prove. i'll do ok. grains of gray. ever walked to four fourty fifth? i haven't. will you please clean your area before leaving? it's kind of cold in here.
12.19.02
surprise surprise. we had to make a sculpture. what a school we've got. cardboard. wheat glue. so i had once again an awful nightmare. i woke up scared, with four more hours to go. someone famous on morhpine. they wouldn't stay still. once i walked away from the emergency table, the man fell right off. it looked as though he had fake skin. his whole back, from top to bottom, was stitched closed. there i go feeling as dirty as before. he tried to attack me. i don't know what i did wrong. it looked like his whole body was going to rip apart. the doctors were useless. they looked just as frightened as i did. awful. disgusting. i couldn't bear it. i tried running off but the man had a hold of my ankle. his fingernails were longer than they should have been. they were digging their way deep into my skin, scratching away my flesh. i bled, but it was different. his was dry. mine was raw, wet. i felt like screaming. i wanted to die right there. what was he doing to me? i wanted to leave. i was a real prisoner, just like him. how did he get here? what was going on? i didn't even know his name. atleast it was all in my sleep. 'cause i woke up and saw that it was five a.m. i didn't let myself fall asleep right away. i knew if i did, i'd be stuck in the same story as before. luckily it was over. wonderful skillful craftmanship. he said, 'it looks like a whole bunch of hands and feet.' nonobjective my ass. what a big difference in contrast! it must have the following, but you went off alone and did what felt right! it must be a minimum size of six inches but it sure didn't direct the eye around and through! seven more hanging up. better let them go. don't throw mine away. it's hanging on the wall. just like you told all the little others. "it's neat." you liar. no one even looked in the book. everyone is on the same page. we're all nervous. i'm shakey. this is nerve wrecking. nevermind. i don't care. the first three rows must be taken. so i'm done and you wanna know something? well i'm not telling you. world studies eat my brain alive. nothing will change that. shake your face with rosy cheeks and your red blotchy body. forcing herself onto every strong object she finds. let me tell you something. that is not the way to put yourself out there. but would you?
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